So you found that special someone, and you’ve been in a relationship for quite some time now. What’s good about your relationship is the fact that it’s based on a solid strong foundation built of what’s really important. Those important pillars are everything from having great communication, honesty, trust, and it doesn’t hurt that your partner is your best friend. The only problem is that you recently found out that throughout your whole relationship your partner has been on dating websites, swiping here, liking there, favoriting here, and emailing here and there with other people of the opposite sex.
You feel betrayed, and as if everything that you’ve built and worked so hard in developing throughout your relationship was a bunch of bologna, and now you’ve lost trust with your partner. This is a very tough predicament for both people in the relationship. Despite whether or not the person was dating others, or simply communicating with others online was actually cheating, being unfaithful, or even if they were simply wanting a way to feel more confident about themselves, it doesn’t matter. Once your partner finds out that you were untruthful to them, your reasons (or theirs) likely won’t matter. The fact of the matter is that the reason is irrelevant. The reasons could be one of many things, but all that really matters is that they’re excuses.
When someone is in an exclusive relationship, it goes without saying that being in an online dating website or app is wrong, and inappropriate. There’s no good reason or excuse why someone should be looking, swiping, or even chatting with someone else online. You’re supposed to be an open book, honest, and trustworthy to your partner. Having a dating site profile online and being active on it is beyond inappropriate and definitely a form of emotional cheating.
Why online dating is good. It’s interesting how, with certain patterns, you can make a great online dating profile.I spoke with Whitney Perry, the founder of the Single Online Dating Guide, who shared a great analogy.If you are wearing a dress that has zippers up the side, you can show what the dress looks like in a different way to different people by zipping it up a bit. Single people, listen up: If you’re looking for love, want to start dating, or just keep it casual, you need to be on Tinder. With over 55 billion matches made, it’s the place to be to meet your next best match. Let’s be real, the dating landscape looks very different today, as most people are meeting online.
Honesty is everything. If you need a confidence booster, then there are many other ways to go about it. If you’re keeping your options open behind your partner’s back, then that’s just plain old shady and messed up. As well, if you think that it’s okay to have a dating site profile active without your partner knowing it, it’s so messed up, and definitely a cause for rethinking your relationship altogether.
There’s no good excuse to have a profile on a dating website, and not even if you’re thinking that it’s a good way to meet people or make friends. It’s incredibly selfish to think that “wanting to be social and meet people” would even be a reason. As a couple, and definitely, as a couple that has intentions for the long term (including building a life and family together one day), it’s important, to be honest, and an open book.
I personally experienced something as such a while back, and I can honestly tell you that it was truly painful for me to think (or assume) that we were in an exclusive relationship, being that my partner at the time was on dating websites throughout the whole relationship. I never even saw it coming. I’ve definitely learned from that experience myself, and I’m hoping to spread the word and to let others know that no, it’s not okay, and you shouldn’t put up with it if you find out that your partner is doing this behind your back. The truth is, when you’re with someone in a relationship, you shouldn’t have to snoop or spy on the person, or even be suspicious of them whatsoever.
You should definitely go into each and every new situation with a blank, clean slate, an open heart, and without bringing any baggage from previous relationships. You should think of your partner as your best friend, be trusting of them, and build your trust within the relationship by setting an example of being honest yourself.
It’s okay if you get let down. But just remember, “the right person” will never go behind your back or look for someone else while dating you. As well, they’ll never have to try and convince you that what they’re doing is harmless, being that they’ve never met or slept with anyone else but you, despite being on dating sites. The right person for you will be your best possible match, honour you, respect you, appreciate you, and they’ll do anything and everything to make you feel their love by their words and their actions.
- Finally Okay, Without You - December 2, 2021
- Yom Kippur 2021 – A Day To Reflect, Feel Remorse, Forgive, Fast, and Pray - September 15, 2021
- How Compatible Are You and Your Partner? - June 29, 2021
More from Anne Cohen Writes
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Attention-grabbing profile, check. Strong pictures highlighting all your best traits, check. Now you're wondering how to start an online dating conversation, and this article breaks it down into four easy steps:
- Do a little recon for icebreaker inspiration.
- Send the first message.
- Follow up with a second if needed.
- Know when to move things offline.
And you'll get 5 effective first message examples!
A quick Google search will reveal there are tons of guys who already know how difficult it can be to get a woman to reply to them, especially if she’s attractive. If you don’t have a messaging strategy, it could take you awhile to get a response.
In fact, statistics show you’ll need to send a whopping 114 messages just to be 99% sure you’ll get one reply.
But don’t worry – here at VIDA we’ve crafted thousands of messages and tracked their response rates, so we know what works and what doesn’t when it comes to sending messages that make her want to write you back.
| Exclusive Bonus:Download our 5 favorite conversation starters to get immediate response from attractive women. |
Get ready to take some notes, because we’re about to share everything you need to know about starting a conversation that will end with a date – including some great examples of online dating conversation starters!
Step 1: Gather Some Intel
Once you’ve found someone that catches your eye, look through her photos (as if we had to tell you that). This is often the best place to figure out her personality, since her profile pics are an indication of how she wants to present herself.
If she uses a professional headshot as her profile picture, you might conclude that she wants to be taken seriously. If she uses a picture of her ziplining through the jungle, you might try to appeal to her adventurous side. You get the idea…
Next, skim through her profile. Try to pick up on what she is passionate about – she'll be more apt to respond if you ask her about something she’s interested in. Also take note of things you have in common. If you ask about something you are mutually interested in, you'll have a much easier time keeping the conversation flowing.
| PRO TIP: No time to read through the profiles of all the attractive women you want to message? Here’s a shortcut that will save you tons of time on dating sites and apps: use cut & paste messages that you can send any woman. Keep reading for some examples. Or take the most efficient route of all, and let us do it all for you. |
Step 2: Send An Icebreaker Message
If you’re one of those guys who’s been leading with anything along the lines of “Hey, baby”, “ur beautiful”, or “hi” – you already know that doesn’t work.
Your message needs to grab her attention, pique her curiosity, and make her want to know more about you. You also want to make it easy for her to respond, and the best way to do that is to ask her a question.
First of all, you need to come to the table with a conversation topic. A thought provoking, fun, playful message that stands out from all the lame messages cluttering up her inbox. This is where the intel you gathered comes in.
For example, if she’s an athletic type who filled her photo section with pics of her bombing down the ski slopes, try something like this:
Use the advanced search criteria to find women who like to ski, then send that message to any of them who interest you. This works for any keyword, like travel:
Here's a conversation starter that's almost sure to get a response if her dog makes an appearance in her profile or photos:
You can send an icebreaker like this one to just about any woman, as who doesn't like to think they've got a well-developed sense of adventure?:
This message also has copy and paste potential, because thinking about dessert is popular across the board:
Once you come up with a few good copy and paste messages, test them out and keep the winners. And it’s surprisingly easy to come up with some good ones, if you keep these DO’s and DON'Ts in mind:
When starting a conversation online, DO:
- Make it easy for her to respond by asking a question in your message.
- Base your question on information that you gathered from her profile.
- Use proper grammar and correct spelling – you only get one first impression.
But DON’T:
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- Compliment her looks (that’s what all the other guys do, and it doesn’t work for them either).
- Write multiple paragraphs. She’s not going to read it, and you don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard to impress her.
- Ask her out in the first message, she wants to get to know you before meeting you in person.
Step 3: Follow Up If She Doesn’t Respond
What if, despite your best efforts, she doesn’t respond to your icebreaker message? Don’t worry – it happens. Maybe she’s busy. Maybe she forgot, or she’s out of town.
After a day or so, send her one more message. You want to let her know you’re genuinely interested, but you don’t want to appear desperate for her response. That’s a major turnoff, so keep it light-hearted:
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If she doesn’t respond to that one either, let it go. You don’t want to look like a stalker, and besides – there’s plenty more fish in the sea.
Step 4: Know When To Ask Her Out
When she responds to your icebreaker, there’s an easy formula to keep the conversation flowing towards a date:
- Comment on her answer to the question you asked.
- Answer it yourself so she learns something about you as well.
- Ask her something else.
Use every message as an opportunity to highlight your positive qualities and traits – the whole point of an online dating conversation is to build attraction.
For instance, if she asks you about your plans for the weekend, you could mention how you’re planning to take your dog on a hike, take your nephew to a ballgame, then meet some friends for a concert.
In just one sentence you’ve communicated that you’re responsible enough to have a pet, you’re active, you’re family oriented, and you’ve got a social life – all attractive qualities.
But how many messages should you exchange before you ask her out? You don’t want to pressure her or scare her off by asking too soon, but you don’t want her to lose interest by taking too long or asking too many follow-up questions with no end in sight.
After all, she’s not on Match to find a new pen pal!
Luckily for you, our team of modern dating experts reviewed thousands of online dating conversations that resulted in dates for our male clients. After examining the data, we learned the best time to ask for the date is after she’s sent you 2 or 3 messages.
But to get her to say yes, you have to ask her out the right way. Preface your question by making a statement you're certain she'll agree with, as that puts her in a “yes” mindset. Then give her two date choices:
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Never just suggest meeting for drinks – doing that will torpedo your chances of success. For even more essential tips on how to ask a girl out online, click here.
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